I then walked all the way down to the hotel, alone
and hungry. In my whole life I never met such a quarrelsome lot
of people. You know yourself, Jim, that any one who can guess
when a Dill pickle is going to squirt is entitled to the barrel
of flour, or the gold-plated oil stove; and as far as that ninety
is concerned, I suppose I went in front of the City Hall and
presented it to somebody. I'll bet, all told, I've been in a
hundred scraps in New York, and have never won a battle. I'll
win out yet, if I have to go out and beat up a poor old apple-woman.
Say, Jim, the greatest game in New York is to walk into some hotel
Palm-room with a particularly swell girl and watch all the rest
of them get jealous. You know that Harper girl from Louisville?
Well, I showed her around New York a couple of months ago, and
she made them all look like a summer resort on a rainy day. When
we entered any of the big restaurants I would send her along ahead,
and I would trail to hear the cracks. It was grand to see them
rubber and hear the women say, "She isn't so much," or "My, isn't
she padded frightfully!" and hear the men say, "Gee! A dream," or
"Pipe, Dan, I guess she's perfectly miserable, eh?" I lost two or
three sets of studs that trip just from swelling up.
Well, I'm home, and here I am going to stay. Just on the quiet,
I never felt so bad in my life.
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